We have a problem on our hands. There is a group out there that not only do they belive gnomes to be good, but they think they should all be released from captivity. That's right. They want them roaming our streets, killing everyone in sight. We need to do all we can to stop the people at Free The Gnome. Follow this link to see what I think of thier site.

thank you
the ggh staff

Martha Stewart has joined the fight

Shockingly enough, Martha Stewart has now joined in the never ending crusade against the evils of garden gnomes. She has shared with us the ways in which she has protected herself. Here is one of her beloved recipes.

Candied Kumquats
Makes about 2 cups
These bright orange candied fruits make perfect garnishes for wintertime cakes. (Or maybe burning flying kumquats of pain)
1 pint kumquats
1 1/2 cups sugar
1. Cut kumquats in half crosswise, and remove pits. Place in a medium saucepan with enough water to cover, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Drain in a sieve, and repeat process three more times.
2. Place sugar and 1 cup water in a medium saucepan, and bring to a boil. When all sugar has dissolved, reduce heat to low, and add kumquats. Cover, and cook 40 to 45 minutes, until translucent. Remove from heat, and allow to cool completely in syrup. Candied kumquats can be stored in the syrup in an airtight plastic container up to 3 days.

The recipe can be find at http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe1991&contentGroup=MSL&site=living

Ding dong Herschels Dead

It is with our sincerest thanks that we make our post today. It turns out that upper management isn't all that bad. An evil gnome, ok so maybe that was redundant, was killed by upper management at an undisclosed business. We are guessing it was the night manager at the Denny's. This gnome had some issues. Besides the whole drinking kool-aid thing...He was into the blow. Yep, he liked the angel dust, happy powder, si la cocaina, the snort-a-roo, the devil's dust, the "new coke," if you catch my drift. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that he habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes...reefers, ganja, sensemilla, weed, la yerba buena, doobies, the fatty splifs, lucky charms, fruit loops, buds, cheerios, muffin tops, special K with and without red berries, if you catch my drift. Wink, wink.

But any way, he is dead. You can see dead pictures of the deceased, the no longer with us, the late, the benson/richardson's dad, the bucket kicked, daisy pushing Gnome.

Flying Gnomes

Please put your chairs in the full and up-right position. BE AWARE!! The underground gnome population has penetrated our otherwise safe airlines. If any of you have been watching the History Channel, you have noticed the Travelocity commercial. I played the commercial backwards and if your name is Mike, James, Jen, Mahonri Moriancumer, or Rufus, you will die. It will probably be slow and painful, starting with the cunning gnomes switching your diet Coke to regular and then changing your SPF 30 sun block to SPF 28. Just a warning.

a poem dedicated to ggh from a bff

Although, we predicted that Kate (See Blog from Tuesday November 15, 2005) was the next to be eradicated by the gnomes. She has been able to protect herself in a fortress she built of loaves of homemade Cumquat bread. To show her appreciation for the forewarning she has written a poem:

Hellgnome is the bomb,
My brother’s name is Tom,
He’s cool.

On the site, there is a blog,
Once they wrote about a dog-
And Reggie Bush.

They make fun of many people-
Especially ones that cry in Narnia. Dah!

You really have to be down with their lingo-
A comment was made about a pink flamingo.

They made the site for some fun. -
It’s kinda dumb…

Only cause they have a myspace account…
And their only friends are lesbians!

(The comments and opinions stated in this here poem are not necessarily the opinions of ggh or its affiliates. The poem was contributed by a bff of ggh.)

The evil that is bud light

For those of you who enjoy the bud light, I have some disturbing news. It has been brought to my attention today that the people over at budwiser have come out to support the Garden Gnome. I am not yet sure if it is because budwiser is evil, or if they just want to keep making money off of those beer swilling mini-Germans.

Here is the proof. Lyrics from a bud light commercial.

today we salute you, mr. garden gnome maker
anyone can dress up a yard with a shrub or some gladiolas, but it takes real guts to use a small, brightly colored, ceramic man
and what says "welcome to our home" like a dwarf in the hedges?
many a night, you've slaved over a hot ceramic man maker, knowing somewhere there was a lonely pink flamingo,
or a cement frog, who needed a buddy, so crack open an ice cold bud light oh master of miniatures,
because as all americans know, a home isn't a home without a gnome.

do you see the code implanted in those lyrics?

Gnome Maker = Satan
Hot Ceramic Man Maker = Hell
A Home Isn't a Home Without a Gnome = They are out to get you

So everyone, Beware:

And Alyson this ones for you!

PS Did you enjoy Harry Potter, because there is always more where that came from

Thank you,
the ggh staff

Choke on a Kitten

Good Housekeeping Magazine tells us that most gnomes will prefer to die choking on kittens. Well let's help them out! Just brush your kitten's fur with a little cyanide shampoo from Bath and Body Works! It’s called Creamy Vanilla Cucumber Melon Berry Cyanide Death Shampoo. The delightful fragranced shampoo will keep your kitten's fur nice and fluffy--Plus it has the added benefit of 'offing a few gnomes. This handy tip comes to you from one of our greatest fans--Jen.

Kill Gnomes Game

Enjoy!

Your Mom is Hot and/or DEAD

Once there was a boy named Jamie. He had some great friends, but his greatest was his mom. Not in some sissy way like that. She was just different than the other moms. While they were busy going to their fashion shows and bridge parties, she was home with him. They'd play in the backyard together, go on bike rides, have long talks, She was the best football player on the whole block. One day, Jamie's mom got hit by a semi. The truck knocked out all her kool-aid for several hundred feet. But don't worry kids. She'll build you a rainbow. Way up above. Mmmm....I love happy endings.

The driver was gnome related through marriage.

Dictated but not read.

Die screaming with sharp things in your head

We all know cumquats are a great defense against garden gnomes. Die screaming with sharp things in your head is dedicated to the alternative gnome killing methods. This website proves a fork, corn cob holder, or, our favorite--A ninja star can all be used to kill garden gnomes. How Lovely!!

Garden Gnome Liberation Front ??? (!!!!)

The Garden Gnome Liberation Front are a bunch of psycho hose-beasts. This group thinks it's perfectly fine to liberate Gnomes from captivity (I told you--hose beasts). A French judge recognizes the danger gnomes pose--he sent their ring leader to jail in 1997. Since then, the group has shown the public little activity.

A CNN article reports: "The only suspected sighting of the organization since [1997] was a mass suicide of gnomes at Briey in eastern France in September 1998, when 11 of them were found dangling by their necks under a bridge."

At least the world is free of 11 gnomes. Take that, Tom Cruise.

By the way, Tom Cruise is psycho hose-beast.

Domino's Dots to the rescue!!!

Bomb-diggity. By the way, have you ever seen the Domino's comercial for Dots? If you haven't, it seems as though the cumquats have an unexpected ally in the fight against the gnomes. Just thought I'd let the world know!

Long live the 247ers

watch it

Happy new year from the ggh staff. I have some bad news on the gnome political front. It looks as though the gnome has a new powerful ally with deep pockets. The conspiracy goes deeper than I thought. As you spread the truth about gnomes to your friends, make sure your emails are encrypted or the evil bill gates will be after you, along with the gnomes.

beware
the ggh staff