This blog has moved

This blog is now located at __FTP_MIGRATION_NEW_URL__.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

For feed subscribers, please update your feed subscriptions to
__FTP_MIGRATION_FEED_URL__.

Now I know this is a blog about how gnomes are evil and trying to take over the world. But I think there is a little room here to discuss the evil that is "The Dark Side." But I guess i will let this video do the talking.



So, in conclusion, not only are GI Joe with parachutes the greatest toy ever, so is the Princess Leia disguised as Boush action figure.

The O.W.C.A. is the Real Evil Incorporated

Those illegitimate children at Disney have done it again. Just when we were getting over the great evil of canceling Lizzie McGuire Disney shows which side they are on in the War on Gnomes. In a propaganda piece Disney recently aired the "Evil" Dr. Doofenshmirtz attempted to eliminate all the garden gnomes in the Tri-State area. Agent P, a platypus who works for the Organization Without a Cool Acronym or the O.W.C.A.,

Sarah Palin is a Garden Gnome

Sarah Palin's love affair with gnomes revealed on page 125 of her new book "Going Rouge":

"The rose-colored Garden Gnome was perfect, warm and dry. A rugged gravel road unrolled across the dusty hills and I looked out the Garden Gnomes, wishing I could run the rest of the Garden Gnome."

THIS HAS NOT BEEN EDITED IN ANY WAY. (shocking!)

Attention Lovers of Freedom, Women and Babies

We NOW can have a true grassroots teabaggery movement against the gnome terrorists. According to Barbra Walters, we have the most influential opinion maker of mainstream faux news on our side! We have some true sermon power against the terrorists. This comes to us via UtterPants. And I have deciphered it's true author. Glen Beck.

"How can a few gnomes threaten us?’ I hear you ask. And I answer, God bless you. You are the Englishmen and women that I love—the people I am proud to lead and honoured to serve. Your tolerance of the gnome in our midst is, at the same time, the defining virtue of the English character and our greatest weakness. I say yes, embrace the lonely stranger, the weak and the oppressed. Feel in his pockets, see if he is worth turning over for a few bob. But I say also take care he is not a snake in the nest or a cuckoo in the woodpile."

Damn, that Glenn Beck knows how to sermonize. And, yes. Er, uh, watch out for cuckoos in the woodpile as we keep our vigilant eyes open!

-the ggh staff

Education Gnome Video

Here's a great educational video from the You Tubes. I don't know who made this video, but an award is in order for civic heroism.

One thing confuses me. I don't know why they would call this "Comedy". The hunting and killing of gnomes is a serious business. This is not about pudding pies and Shakespeare. It's about Colt 45's and leather.

I told you they were evil

End of the world?

December 21, 2012 is a date that is believed by many to be the end of the world. And why, you may ask. Why? Well, it is because of the Mayan Calendar. Yep, that's right, because someone hundreds of years ago decided to carve a calendar out of stone. And now, because this guy was too lazy to keep going past the 21st of December 2012 we have to deal with these theories about how we are all going to meet our demise. And, really, why would he keep going? He was going to be dead by the time the calendar reached its final date. And I am sure that John, yes we are calling the Mayan guy John, figured that when humanity reached 2012 we would have the technology to print our own calendars. And guess what, he was right. I went to the store the other day, and we totally do have calendars. And they don't weigh thousands of pounds. Oh, and some of them even have horses on them. And, just so you know the February horsey was ever so lovely. But i digress. We don't need the "carved out of stone" model any more. And we are not all going to die.

GNBA

A little less than a year ago the Miami Heat won the NBA championship. It was obvious to everyone that watched the series that the refs were favoring the team from Miami. A recent report obtained (at a great cost) by ggh has finally proven exactly what we suspected, that the NBA brass are trying to help the teams that have ties to the gnomes win the championship. Shaq, just because you are tall don't think we haven't found out who your biological father is.

the ggh staff

How to tell if your Landlord is a Gnome. From Hell.

We've had no more than a hundred people write in and ask about their various landlord-gnome related fears and complaints. We've had everything from "My landlord left the toilet seat up-is he a gnome?" to "I like exclamation points, too!!!" and of course, "Thank you for wiring funds to our Nigerian bank account, your money will arrive shortly."

A Guide: How to tell if your landlord is a hell spawned gnome:

First of all, you need not make direct contact with your landlord. That is far too dangerous. With your safety in mind, a simple property inspection is a clear indicator or gnome-related activity.

Things to watch out for when checking out a new home or apartment:
1. Strange odors near the kitchen sink. Gnomes typically use this area as their sanitary water closet. Sanitary? Anything but.
2. Check out the bedroom. Make sure it is not a direct portal to hell.
3. Do you see lawn ornaments? Run for your LIFE before you don't have one!
4. If your walls are painted with a color that looks like it would be hard pronounce, well, this is actually a good thing. Gnomes and gnome-lovers like simple, festive primary colors.
5. Mystery meat in the back of the freezer: This could be the previous tenant's remains. It could be you next.
6. Fingernails clippings under couch cushions. (They're not gnome related, but watch out)
7. "Solicitors Welcome" doormat.
8. If you happen to meet your landlord, ask if they're really, really into ceramic.
9. Call to make sure your landlord is not made of ceramic.
10. If your place comes with more cats than you can fit in a trash bag, RUN.

...and we're back

Just as we suspected, there is a definite link between People Magazine and the Gnome Underground. After the mockery of the term "beautiful people" that was the naming of Susan Sarandon a couple of years ago, we suspected as much. But now that Drew Barrymore has not only been named to the list, but given the top spot, our suspicions have been confirmed. We here at ggh are calling for an all out boycot of People Magazine. Keep this country Free!!!! Shun the Gnome!!!!!

the ggh staff

Wolf in sheep's clothing and leather

So, last week I saw air supply in concert. I know, you are jealous. But anyway, I am pretty sure the lead singer is at least half gnome. That's right the gnomes are trying to infiltrate popular music. They think that by singing about love, they will be able to get inside our iPods and CD players. Don't let it happen. If you play "i'm all out of love" backwards, it says "Join the Gnomes." It is true.

Thank you

The ggh staff

Mix breeds

As a member of the ggh staff I feel that it is my obligation to warn you the population of the danger of the apparent mix breeds of human and gnomes roaming the beaches of Hawaii. By looking at him you realize that he is old and therefore he has most likely reproduced, so beware. These gnomes/people are exceptionally dangerous because they have balls, just look at him in his speedo... You can tell.

Smash a gnome for a good cause

We have been informed of an eBay auction to decide the fate of an evil gnome. If you win the auction you can have the gnome shipped to you so you can kill the evil little bugger, or you can have him executed for you. Sounds like a great deal, doesn't it? But wait there is more. The money earned is going to amnesty international. That's right, your money is going to charity. So, if you can help kill this gnome follow the link.

Benson this one's for you

You should be proud of yourself,
Our insiders tell us that your little stunt
undermined the whole operation.
Really, did you think we wouldn't notice?
Even a blind hog finds an
acorn every once in a while.
Come Clean!
or suffer the
consequences.
Kill or be killed I always say.

trouble in the south pacific, aka taiwan

FM radio star rickspade asks: "What sorts of music do gnomes listen to?" Well, spud, gnomes love beer gardens and lederhosen. So obviously, yes they do love maroon 5 and possibly gyuuuh. Their favorte song is “habang may buhay.” I am also quite certain that they just love the linkin park because their "phat rhymes" truly suck.

As for your second question, it looks like someone hasn't been studying their geography. The Philippines are part of Taiwan. You would think your teachers would have taught you that in like diaper school. But I digress. Yes you need to watch out for the gnome infestation. They are coming to get you.

PS I really love those dried mangos they send over here from the Philippines.
PSS bawal umihi dito, sorry, that is the only tagalog I know

thank you
the ggh staff

Beaches?

Not that the ggh staff would condone watching the top 100 chick flicks of all time, but lets just say that we were forced into it. Yah, that's the ticket. Well any way, how could you name Beaches the best chick flick of all time. That movie is lame sauce. I have never been able to sit through the entire film. Ok, so maybe I am not a chick, and therefore not an expert in the judging of the "chick flick," but come on. At least chose a movie that is mildly entertaining.

PS We'll miss you Don

You say, I only die when I want to.

We here at ggh have been nervously waiting to see when the seductive gnomes would infiltrate the popular music culture. We have suspected the assault for some time now. It has been recently discovered and documented that Lisa Loeb has either been brain washed or is acting on her own will, but nevertheless, is promoting the acceptance of gnomes in the homes. She is subtle and deceptive. Do not be fooled, garden gnomes have no place with our children and food. Ms. Loeb is single and desperate, (probably why she is shacking up with the gnome). As for us, we are throwing away all of our LL albums and sending them straight to hell where they belong. Yes, that's right. All one of them.

We have a problem on our hands. There is a group out there that not only do they belive gnomes to be good, but they think they should all be released from captivity. That's right. They want them roaming our streets, killing everyone in sight. We need to do all we can to stop the people at Free The Gnome. Follow this link to see what I think of thier site.

thank you
the ggh staff

Martha Stewart has joined the fight

Shockingly enough, Martha Stewart has now joined in the never ending crusade against the evils of garden gnomes. She has shared with us the ways in which she has protected herself. Here is one of her beloved recipes.

Candied Kumquats
Makes about 2 cups
These bright orange candied fruits make perfect garnishes for wintertime cakes. (Or maybe burning flying kumquats of pain)
1 pint kumquats
1 1/2 cups sugar
1. Cut kumquats in half crosswise, and remove pits. Place in a medium saucepan with enough water to cover, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Drain in a sieve, and repeat process three more times.
2. Place sugar and 1 cup water in a medium saucepan, and bring to a boil. When all sugar has dissolved, reduce heat to low, and add kumquats. Cover, and cook 40 to 45 minutes, until translucent. Remove from heat, and allow to cool completely in syrup. Candied kumquats can be stored in the syrup in an airtight plastic container up to 3 days.

The recipe can be find at http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe1991&contentGroup=MSL&site=living

Ding dong Herschels Dead

It is with our sincerest thanks that we make our post today. It turns out that upper management isn't all that bad. An evil gnome, ok so maybe that was redundant, was killed by upper management at an undisclosed business. We are guessing it was the night manager at the Denny's. This gnome had some issues. Besides the whole drinking kool-aid thing...He was into the blow. Yep, he liked the angel dust, happy powder, si la cocaina, the snort-a-roo, the devil's dust, the "new coke," if you catch my drift. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find out that he habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes...reefers, ganja, sensemilla, weed, la yerba buena, doobies, the fatty splifs, lucky charms, fruit loops, buds, cheerios, muffin tops, special K with and without red berries, if you catch my drift. Wink, wink.

But any way, he is dead. You can see dead pictures of the deceased, the no longer with us, the late, the benson/richardson's dad, the bucket kicked, daisy pushing Gnome.

Flying Gnomes

Please put your chairs in the full and up-right position. BE AWARE!! The underground gnome population has penetrated our otherwise safe airlines. If any of you have been watching the History Channel, you have noticed the Travelocity commercial. I played the commercial backwards and if your name is Mike, James, Jen, Mahonri Moriancumer, or Rufus, you will die. It will probably be slow and painful, starting with the cunning gnomes switching your diet Coke to regular and then changing your SPF 30 sun block to SPF 28. Just a warning.

a poem dedicated to ggh from a bff

Although, we predicted that Kate (See Blog from Tuesday November 15, 2005) was the next to be eradicated by the gnomes. She has been able to protect herself in a fortress she built of loaves of homemade Cumquat bread. To show her appreciation for the forewarning she has written a poem:

Hellgnome is the bomb,
My brother’s name is Tom,
He’s cool.

On the site, there is a blog,
Once they wrote about a dog-
And Reggie Bush.

They make fun of many people-
Especially ones that cry in Narnia. Dah!

You really have to be down with their lingo-
A comment was made about a pink flamingo.

They made the site for some fun. -
It’s kinda dumb…

Only cause they have a myspace account…
And their only friends are lesbians!

(The comments and opinions stated in this here poem are not necessarily the opinions of ggh or its affiliates. The poem was contributed by a bff of ggh.)

The evil that is bud light

For those of you who enjoy the bud light, I have some disturbing news. It has been brought to my attention today that the people over at budwiser have come out to support the Garden Gnome. I am not yet sure if it is because budwiser is evil, or if they just want to keep making money off of those beer swilling mini-Germans.

Here is the proof. Lyrics from a bud light commercial.

today we salute you, mr. garden gnome maker
anyone can dress up a yard with a shrub or some gladiolas, but it takes real guts to use a small, brightly colored, ceramic man
and what says "welcome to our home" like a dwarf in the hedges?
many a night, you've slaved over a hot ceramic man maker, knowing somewhere there was a lonely pink flamingo,
or a cement frog, who needed a buddy, so crack open an ice cold bud light oh master of miniatures,
because as all americans know, a home isn't a home without a gnome.

do you see the code implanted in those lyrics?

Gnome Maker = Satan
Hot Ceramic Man Maker = Hell
A Home Isn't a Home Without a Gnome = They are out to get you

So everyone, Beware:

And Alyson this ones for you!

PS Did you enjoy Harry Potter, because there is always more where that came from

Thank you,
the ggh staff

Choke on a Kitten

Good Housekeeping Magazine tells us that most gnomes will prefer to die choking on kittens. Well let's help them out! Just brush your kitten's fur with a little cyanide shampoo from Bath and Body Works! It’s called Creamy Vanilla Cucumber Melon Berry Cyanide Death Shampoo. The delightful fragranced shampoo will keep your kitten's fur nice and fluffy--Plus it has the added benefit of 'offing a few gnomes. This handy tip comes to you from one of our greatest fans--Jen.

Kill Gnomes Game

Enjoy!

Your Mom is Hot and/or DEAD

Once there was a boy named Jamie. He had some great friends, but his greatest was his mom. Not in some sissy way like that. She was just different than the other moms. While they were busy going to their fashion shows and bridge parties, she was home with him. They'd play in the backyard together, go on bike rides, have long talks, She was the best football player on the whole block. One day, Jamie's mom got hit by a semi. The truck knocked out all her kool-aid for several hundred feet. But don't worry kids. She'll build you a rainbow. Way up above. Mmmm....I love happy endings.

The driver was gnome related through marriage.

Dictated but not read.

Die screaming with sharp things in your head

We all know cumquats are a great defense against garden gnomes. Die screaming with sharp things in your head is dedicated to the alternative gnome killing methods. This website proves a fork, corn cob holder, or, our favorite--A ninja star can all be used to kill garden gnomes. How Lovely!!

Garden Gnome Liberation Front ??? (!!!!)

The Garden Gnome Liberation Front are a bunch of psycho hose-beasts. This group thinks it's perfectly fine to liberate Gnomes from captivity (I told you--hose beasts). A French judge recognizes the danger gnomes pose--he sent their ring leader to jail in 1997. Since then, the group has shown the public little activity.

A CNN article reports: "The only suspected sighting of the organization since [1997] was a mass suicide of gnomes at Briey in eastern France in September 1998, when 11 of them were found dangling by their necks under a bridge."

At least the world is free of 11 gnomes. Take that, Tom Cruise.

By the way, Tom Cruise is psycho hose-beast.

Domino's Dots to the rescue!!!

Bomb-diggity. By the way, have you ever seen the Domino's comercial for Dots? If you haven't, it seems as though the cumquats have an unexpected ally in the fight against the gnomes. Just thought I'd let the world know!

Long live the 247ers

watch it

Happy new year from the ggh staff. I have some bad news on the gnome political front. It looks as though the gnome has a new powerful ally with deep pockets. The conspiracy goes deeper than I thought. As you spread the truth about gnomes to your friends, make sure your emails are encrypted or the evil bill gates will be after you, along with the gnomes.

beware
the ggh staff

that'll teach you

The kids at Tippmann Forum have top-notch post on our ceramic enemies.

Underpants Gnomes

In 1998, Comedy Central's South Park produced a documentary on the Underpants Gnomes. While it may have been a jab at the flawed business plans of the dot-com era, it was a frightening wake-up call for me. It was as if someone woke me up with a pitcher of water, and then threw me out the window to my death!

It has been 7 years since the episode ran, but only now are we discovering the underpants gnomes' hidden secrets.

The gnomes had a 3-part business plan:

1. Collect underpants
2. ???
3. Profit!

Step two, according to a very good whim, is "Use underpants to make a giant netting to hold some rich little girl and her kitten for ransom!" It's a perfect plan...AS LONG AS YOU ARE AN EVIL GNOME FROM HELL!!!!!

They also sing a song:

We Search for underpants, hey
We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum hay!

The last line can be translated "Kill Jill, Kill'in Jill Hey!" Obviously, it's very disturbing.

I know you're asking yourself, "How did you find this crap out? Did you guys get to use night-vision goggles?" No, but that would have been awesome.

the debate

We here at ggh have been informed that a debate over gnome rights and privileges, the evil that is gnomes, will be taking place at the University of Houston: Main Campus, in Houston Texas, on Feb 17 2006. How can there be any debate? I mean just look at what the gnomes did to the beautiful city of paris. Anyone who has been there knows what I am talking about.

Well, anyway, we must support the anti gnome debate. if anyone can help, let us know.

Thank you
The ggh staff

Diary of a Freedom Fighter

The good kids at The Great Absolute Nothingness share a tale of horror from the front lines of the War on Gnomes.
"They didn't take prisoners, no, they just took lives," reports the blog. "The casualties were enormous!"
The gnome infestation is obviously more serious than we first thought. Lawn ornaments my foot! Try telling that to the stupid sales clerks of Bath and Body Works. They kept saying "Lots of people like Cucumber Melon." I won't buy their suck-bad gay crap to fill my designer home-fragrance void.
"Three of the [gnomes] dropped on Tammy from above and took her out quickly. Joey stood up and let loose with his 12 gauge in to the trio after they had finished Tammy, only to be taken out by the sniper." Wow. This is getting serious.

Bushgnome 2.0 is at Large

This is true. An army of at least 5000 gnomes in the likeness of George Dubbya Bush have been distrubuted across America through a capitalistic vehicle (aka--people are BUYING Bushgnomes!). You can buy them. YOU CAN BUY THEM?! Is this insane? Yes. I'll answer you. YES!!

News from the front lines: Jay Leno can shutup. Bushgnome is already in Version 2.0 with version 3.0 and 4.0 planned. Version 5.0=Death for everybody with second helpings. It will knock the kool-aid out of you and you won't even know the color!!!

I can imagine people in the future will look back at this phenomenon in disgusted amusement (they are looking right now-we just can't see them). It's like those crazy kids in the 40's who made radioactive golf balls filled with Strontium-90 so you could find them easier with a Geiger counter (Aw, those kids). Gnomes, like the golf balls of our fore-fathers, pose unexplored dangers. Avoid gnomes and you could avoid a machete to your neck.

exoskeleton ceramic composite

So I was watching stealth today, and it turns out it is a great film. Why wasn't it nominated for any academy awards? The part when the ninja totaly does this amazing spin move. It made me want to cry. But I didn't because, come on, who cries watching a movie. But I digress, the debeers diamond mining cartel has enslaved generations of African-Africans(we try to be PC). We need to stop buying diamonds. So, Jessica, that is why I don't want to get you the ring. It isn't because I am cheap.

Thank you

the ggh staff

PS Hey Benson, do you think she bought it?

Narnia was a good freind of my Great Aunt's

If you cried at any movies with Edmond, Lucy, Peter or Susan---You probably wear meshhhh!!!! (Because I love exclamation points) (!!!!)

Thank you, my peeps,

The GGH staff!!!

Reggie Bush

Wow, I tell you what, Wow.

Deal with it

We here at ggh are dedicating today's blog to the inventor of Stove top stuffing. She passed on the 23rd of November. Stove top lady, thank you for not including the nasty gizzards and what not, like my family is wont to do. This one's for you.

Thank you

the ggh staff

PS Grandma Sycamore bread and fruit loops are a great breakfast.

OK, so it has been a while. I have been busy trying to thwart the plans of evil Gnomes everywhere. It looks like the gnome has a myspace account now. you can see it at http://www.myspace.com/hellgnome

Don't let him fool you. Even if he says he has changed. He still wants to kill you.

Thanks
the ggh staff

Kate, watch it, you are next

I don't wanna shoot the pier

selena once wrote, "como la flor tanto amor me diste tu." It's so true, so true. Let us all dar un poco de amor or its just gonna marchitar. Selena we love you!!! you're the meaning in my life you're my inspiration.

This public service announcement was brought to you by the number 7 and the letter R and your friends here at ggh

remember to rock it like a hurricane

Gnome Poetry

THE BEST GNOME POETRY EVER!

-------------
Not every garden has a gnome
But every gnome has a garden
Even if you do pushups you will die by a hit and run car accident
Everywhere
-------------

This was submitted by our clued-up fans. I've got one word for you: HELL'S BELLS!

Gnomes are evil

Recently here at ggh we have received a few emails from people upset with us for sharing the truth with the public. Just because you, and maybe your friend, like gnomes, it doesn't mean that Gnomes aren't evil. If hearing this makes you want to swear, well maybe you are evil too. Or even worse, you may be part gnome.

Let me just say, the Evil take the truth to be hard.

Q & A

Q:
Um Question!
I brought a gnome before and i was takeing a shower and i heard little foot steps came out the shower and saw little wet foot print marks and my gnome was gone...Could it of been him?

A: My guess is you were singing "The old cow crossed the barn" in a rather operatic manner. (G Minor--Of Course!). Gnomes hate this song. You're lucky--That's why the hell-spawn left you alone. Either this or you were using cumquat shower gel from from your local Bath and Body Works. I LOVE DAY SPAS!! You're not dead yet--but keep an eye out.

PS: No one at GGH headquarters is 48.

welcome

It is the moment you have all been waiting for...the garden gnome from hell blog. OK, we said we were going to post some movies. We made the movies, but frankly, a blog was easier than posting the movies. So you are stuck with the ggh staff's thoughts instead of seeing a gnome kill people. DEAL WITH IT!!!

PS I love exclamation marks!!!!!